5 ways to deal with your too strict self

By Hedwig Wiebes

Link to original Dutch article in Intermediair

That nagging voice in the back of your mind that never stops criticizing, that is of course you, yourself. How do you deal with that if you just want to do your job? Stop it, it will not get any better. You are simply not good enough. Maybe you should look for another job, something easier. This is just too much for you. You just can’t deal with so much work pressure. And if you do achieve success, nobody will notice. Can’t you see that it is all pointless? Recognizable? Then the following tips may start to make you feel relieved.  

It is not true!

As well as your inner voice knows you, you would think that it wants the best for you, but in reality it is only afraid of losing control, and therefore holds on to what is familiar. It is quite possible that you have learned certain ideas based on destructive early life experiences, says psychologist Lisa Firestone, author of the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. "Try to identify what your critical inner voice tells you. Recognize that this thinking process is separate from your actual point of view. Remember that your critical inner voice is simply not a reflection of reality." 

Make choices (remember, perfection doesn’t exist)

You may very well be good at making high demands on yourself and your work. But that requires concessions: you can not set the bar so high in every area of your life. You have to give yourself permission to lower it at other points in your life. Nobody is perfect. Do you have trouble with that? Then it is a good idea to check your priorities. Maybe you’ll find that your job is in second place, even though you work every day because the pile on your desk is too high. Making your job a little less important does not mean that you are lax or lazy or not good at your work. You can still be fantastic in what you do. Will anyone actually notice the difference? 

Treat your inner critic like a friendly colleague

This is what life coach Andrea Owen advises in her book How to Stop Feeling Like Shit. 'Imagine someone you trust and like at work makes a big mistake in a project. She sits behind her desk and says aloud how stupid she is and starts to wonder if she will be fired. Would you do nothing? Or worse still, would you agree with what she said? No. You would probably sit with her and talk to her in a friendly, calm and compassionate manner. You'd probably tell her that everyone makes mistakes, ask her how you can help her solve it and maybe even remind her of all the great things she has done for the company." 

It is OK to fail

There is a tendency to compare, subconsciously or not, your everyday life, mistakes and all with that of others, especially with what you see on social media. You need to realize, however, that those moments are carefully selected to show the world. And one person is more honest about it than another. In fact, having a life that  always runs smoothly, doesn’t get you far, either. Most people who are happy with their lives and work have to learn that the hard way. Making mistakes and facing up to them ensures that you grow. The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön said it nicely: “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.” 

Learn to cope with criticism

For those struggling with perfectionism, feedback can feel like a hot iron. Perfectionists tend to respond to criticism quite violently, which then makes it seem worse than it is - and they get the idea that they have to do try harder, even though they usually just have to do something a little differently. Do not allow negative feedback to determine your day. Moreover, some people are very bad at giving feedback, you can’t do anything about that either. Everyone has a strong biological need to belong. That is why we find how other people see us so important. Often that is what we base our goals on, and we secretly we do work so that others will find us good.